Free-fall into Commotion
My first true panic attack changed my life. For months I lived in constant fear of the next one. I was scared of lights, sounds, passing cars, music, scary TV scenes, big crowds, basically all forms of daily life. I believe many of us get to a point in life when we realize we must change if we wish to continue. This was my moment. A culmination of a lifetime of chasing excitement and achievement finally threw out too much electricity. If you have never had the realization you must change, you are better than me, have yet to experience it, or have yet to realize it.
Coping with the Void & Seeking Fulfillment
My time on this planet has been a revolving door of coping mechanisms. A yo-yo of sorts between extreme intensity in craft; sports, golf, wakeboarding, skiing, partying, school, lifting, being a doctoral valedictorian, irresponsible self-expectations, distance running, sex, drinking, nicotine, religion, spirituality, etc. It was only when all of these efforts to fill my container failed me, and my biggest fears and anxieties took over, that I realized those parts of me had to die. The decay, the filth, the hyper-managed self-personification of me being the God of my own life had to disappear.
Letting Go
It wasn’t by choice. I had gotten so unhappy, down, and tired of my relentless grip that I felt ready to give up. Yet my fear of letting go kept me in my own prison. The lack of control when I started living in a perpetual panic state left a massive void within me and had me questioning who I was and what was the purpose of my life.
Only Empty Vessels Can Fill Anew
The true dilemma of humanity is realizing and genuinely accepting your humanness. You start to understand you have very little control, you will one day die, and your beliefs and priorities will largely dictate the quality of your experience. My beliefs were centered in the wrong arena. External achievement, gratification, pursuit of excellence, and the world’s version of success had failed me. I was empty. This emptiness pushed me into a corner where I had to make some tough decisions. Yet my major flaw was trying to “get back” to who I was before my crisis of belief in basically everything which totally derailed me.
False Fillers
I thought I’d run harder and that would fill the void. I’ll lift harder and the fear will go away. I’ll be valedictorian and never show weakness. That will fill my void. I’ll meditate, I’ll drink, I’ll take this pill, anything to make me feel normal. If I do these things, I’ll be able to get back to my life and be who I was before. Only “before” wasn’t that great. The void was always there, I just didn’t realize it. It was only after living in panic that I understood this. If you are going through something like this, it’s what you fill the void with that will either lift you out of the hole or push you in deeper. For a long time, and still, part of me thinks alcohol can fill my void. It hasn’t worked yet, and I’ve tried a lot of different kinds.
Death of the Ego & the Old Ways
Its only when I finally accepted that I couldn’t do it myself that I was semi-freed from the daily sabotage going on in my mind. Tim McGraw said it best in metaphorical terms: “because I love you, I’m going to kill myself” followed by Bradley Cooper’s song in A Star is Born: “maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.” Part of me had to die. Parts of me still have to die. The so-called “death” part is easy. The struggle is finding constructive thoughts and behaviors to cultivate acceptance of ego death and replacing them with something new.
Love Fills the Void
Deep acceptance of one’s humanity empties the vessel of ego. I say this with the most humility one can have as they pat themselves on the back. I am proud of myself and the things I have accomplished as a human being. I am proud of my strength and resilience. I never took filling the void seriously with what genuinely fills until recently. Once the vessel is empty it is ready to be filled with something new, something that fills the soul. I don’t know who God is yet, I don’t know what a relationship with him truly looks like. Some days I don’t believe in the version of God that I was taught. Some days I feel him so close I don’t know how I can question him. For me, God is defined in one word- Love. The purpose of my life is to love and to be loved. This has proven to be enough to potently fill the void. It’s not a complete fill and empty feelings still whisper, but the fulfillment stemming from interpersonal connectedness interwoven by genuine love and acceptance of others, and also myself, is so much more fulfilling than what I found in my vain attempts to fill it in any other way.
