Grandpa’s Wisdom: A Dream Revisited
A few years ago, my Grandpa appeared in a vivid dream, replaying a tense moment from 1989. It was my first year of grad school amid my parents’ divorce. I was living in my grandparents’ basement when a sharp exchange with Grandma occurred. She criticized Mom beyond what I could take. I snapped back, packed my car and left in a rush, emotions raw and directionless.
Grandpa followed me to the driveway. He didn’t yell or plead. Calmly, but firmly, he said: “Kent, if you don’t tame that temper, it’s going to cost you“. I basically awoke right after he said the words again in my dream, precisely as he had all those years ago. Instantly I was wide awake. I looked back on my life through the lens of his prophetic words.
That dream reinvigorated his original words in my mind. They sharpened my hindsight. I saw clearly how anger— mine and others’— wove through my regrets, a thread appearing in almost every bad outcome. It had, in fact, cost me in life.
It’s been three years since that dream. I’ve kept my temper in full check since. But I have reflected deeply on anger’s toll in my life and the lives of others. Here’s a summary of that life review, captured in a symbolic letter to Grandpa.
Symbolic Letter to Grandpa
Hey Grandpa,
A few years ago, you visited me in a dream, replaying that day in your driveway 35 years back. I was defending Mom, but you saw through me. “Tame that temper, or it’ll cost you”, you said. I didn’t fully heed you then, and now those words sting with the truth. I’ve tried to live as a good man, but my regrets trace back to your wise warning.
I’ve always fought against harm, championed the underdog, aimed to build, not break. Yet, in key moments, I faltered. My flaw? I maintained an asterisk—an exception to controlling my temperature gauge: “I don’t start fights, BUT if pushed too far, I’ll stand my ground and teach them not to mess with me”. That“don’t tread on me” pride blinded me to my own venom. It cost me a few dear relationships. Even though 99% of the time my good intentions came through, that 1% when my asterisk kicked in left its disproportionate scar.
Growing up feisty among seven siblings, I learned to push back and take a stand. But I see now that no exception to steady anger management is safe or permissible. Since that dream, I’ve stayed steady, shaped by your wisdom. I often listen to a song—-“A Better Man”—- to remind me that no amount of past kindness or effort ultimately outweighs when harshness creeps in. I never want the beginning sweetness of bonds to ever fade again.
I carry each regret, using the hurt to fuel my determination to not fall short again of being the man that people in my life need and expect me to be.
I love you and try to carry your name with honor, despite my blemishes and idiosyncrasies.
Kent
Ten Suggestions for Taming Anger
Anger unravels lives. Here are 10 suggestions to manage it, informed by hard-learned lessons—my own and others.
- See Anger as being “Drunk with Anger”: Peak anger distorts your lens, just like booze. Don’t engage with others til you’re “anger sober”—especially not with alcohol in the mix.
- Take Tactical Pauses: Step back, calm down, think. Identify the issue, brainstorm three solutions, pick one, and act—channel anger into answers, not outbursts.
- Spot Your Asterisks: Know the triggers you think justify unleashing your wrath—“They better not step foot on my property, or so help me God…”; “You mess with my (kids, team, car, etc), my grizzly bear’s a comin’ out”. Find those anger excuses and uproot them.
- Draw Your Lines: Steer clear of people and places that ignite your fuse. If they consistently upset you, they don’t fit well in your life.
- Choose Steady Souls: Surround yourself with people who tame their tempers—never let the beginning sweetness fade.
- Stay Aware: Catch anger before it builds. Awareness is your brake.
- Guard Your Peace: Welcome only those who value calm and mutual respect into your life. Let others go without a fight—wish them well and move on.
- Build Sanctuaries: Make home and work calm refuges—chaos-free zones where all who enter can recharge.
- Stay Balanced: Overwhelm fuels anger. Pace yourself to stay far away from the edge.
- Live Gently: Act with kindness, always. Leave when softness is not reciprocated, or is mocked. Craft such a gentle world that anger drowns within.
Final Thoughts
Imagine a life where kindness rules, voices hold steady, and conflicts fade into calm. Where the sweetness you first experience with others only deepens. A life where people push to be better and lift each other up. Mastering anger isn’t just self-control; it’s the bedrock of trust that every bond craves—it brings walls down and creates little regret.
This was my anger reckoning—tracing the tracks I’ve laid against the peace I chased. It’s taken years to fully rein it in, to bend it under my will—with a few nudges from Grandpa lighting the way.
So what’s your story of facing your dragons? Try some quiet, deep-dive time into your regrets, with unflinching honesty. The discoveries you find can outshine the pain if you use the pain to make you a better person, not to break you.